Of Boxers and Smurfs

I just had a harrowing albeit hilarious experience with a dog. I shared it with my family, and Brianne encouraged me to blog about it.  Before I continue, lemme just say that the story is probably a lot funnier when I tell it in person and it's your loss for not living with me.  I'm hilarious.

This past Thursday my sensible brother Jeffrey brought home a stray female Boxer.  Before you get visions of a muscle-necked female wearing gloves with a tumbleweed in her hair, let me assure you the aforementioned Boxer was indeed a canine.  She had followed him home from his daily run.

We've been trying to find her owner, but in the meantime she's been gracing our backyard along with Nala.  We have various names for her.  Jeffrey got creative and dubbed her 'Brownie'.  My mom and I have taken to calling her 'Ruby'.  Brianne calls her 'Baxter'.

My family was planning on spending Saturday evening in Victorville, so I declined their invitation in order to get some quality Kimmy Time, even if it would only be for 2 hours.  I love my family, and I love spending time with them, but life in Idaho and Utah made me accustomed to solitude and I've been aching for it ever since I graduated and moved home.

Instead, I got some quality Kimmy 'n Brownie Time.

I ordered a nacho dinner from Mexico Lindo here in Phelan and left to pick it up just a few minutes after my family had left for Victorville.  I got in Tom and started the engine then turned on the radio and thought to myself, "I'm so glad I bought this radio.  Thank you, me."

And that's when I saw a flash of brown in my rear view mirror.

Brownie had hopped the fence.

Hoping she would see I was leaving and stay in the yard, I put Tom into gear and took off.

She started chasing me.

"Damn it!"  I yelled.

I swerved back into the yard and parked Tom.

"C'mon, Brownie!  Back into the yard, c'mon!"  I tried to coerce her into rejoining Nala through the gate in our fence.  She wouldn't come.  It took forever to get her through, and when I finally did, I shut the gate behind me and told her, "Stay put, I'll be right back."

I got back into Tom and had just started to take off when I saw the freaking brown blur in my rear view mirror again.

"Damn it!"  I yelled.

 I got out of Tom again, this time with the idea of putting her in the garage.

"C'mon, Ruby, let's go in the house now.  That's what you want, right?  C'mon, let's go."

She followed me without hesitation all the way into the house and up to the garage door.  Then she wouldn't budge.

"C'mon, Ruby!  Let's go, Brownie, I don't have all day, c'mon!"

She would sniff at the garage door opening then turn and explore the laundry room a bit, before returning to the door and faking me out by taking a step in then turning and sniffing at the nearby food shelf.

"Ugh!  C'mon, Brownie it's just the garage!"

I knew she didn't want to come in because that's exactly what I wanted her to do.  And that just pissed me off even more.

Before I continue, let me assure you it's pointless trying to pull her anywhere by the collar.  It's way too big for her and she struggles if you manage to get your hand around it.

It took forever to get her in the stupid garage.  In the end, I had to get some cheese from the fridge to bait her in.

"Want some cheese?  Here's some cheese, you mindless beast, you!  Go get the cheese!"  I tossed it in the garage and the idiot followed.

"Hahaaa!"  I crowed, slamming the door behind her.  "Dumbass!"

Fifteen minutes late, I left for Mexico Lindo to get my dinner.  Upon my triumphant return, I immediately let Brownie out of the garage.

"See what happens when you hop the fence, dork?  C'mon, outside now."

She wouldn't go outside.

I opened the backdoor wide and stood outside with Nala, coaxing Brownie, "C'mon, girl!  Come outside with us!  C'mon!"

Nope.

She completely ignored me and proceeded to wander about the house.

Glad I had left the cheese out of the fridge, I cut two slices and dangled one in front of her until the idiot followed it outside.  I tossed Nala the other slice then quickly shut the door.

Nala and I.  We were both a lot skinnier then.

I turned to my dinner eagerly and turned on the TV.  Avatar was on.  "Ah, I love this movie."  As I dug into my disappointing nachos I noticed the neighbor's dogs were going nuts yipping and yapping.  I looked out the kitchen window and saw Nala and Brownie were driving them crazy by running along the back fence.  Whatever.  I turned back to my nachos and finished them just before the part where the huge tree falls and crushes all the smurfs.  My favorite part.

The movie went to commercial break and I decided to feed the dogs before the best part came on.  I called in Nala and she obediently padded into the garage without complaint and started eating.  Bless her.  I took up Brownie's bowl and went outside.

No Brownie.

"Brownie!  Here, girl!  Ruby!  Whatever your name is!"

I called, I beckoned, I whistled.  Nothing.

The stupid dog had hopped the fence again.  But this time I had no idea where she was.

I wandered through the back yard and used the Force until I was lead to the rear of the yard.  Sure enough, Brownie trotted into view with a casual look that said, "Oh hey, how's it goin'?"

The idiot was on the other side of the fence.  Thankfully, the little yippy yappy dogs were safe on the other side of a second higher fence. 

"Get back over here, c'mon!"  I waved my arms to encourage her to jump.  She had hopped it, so she could jump back over again, right?

Nope.

The idiot could only get her two front paws up on the fence and gaze at me pathetically.

"Just jump, you dork!  I know you can do it!"

She would give a half-assed effort and make it about six inches off the ground, all the time whimpering like an abandoned baby seal.

I started walking back toward the house, thinking maybe if I acted like I was ditching her she would work up the effort to actually jump.

Nope.

She gave a few more half-assed efforts before fixing me with a huge doe-eyed gaze that plead, "Don't leave meeeee!"

Heaving a sigh, I went back over to the fence.  I couldn't haul her up, that was out of the question.  I couldn't get over the fence to lift her over, because that would be trespassing.

So I called upon the Bruce Banner within me and pushed down the metal fence enough for Brownie to clamor over it, only to get entangled in the wiring that used to be our electric fence that still ran along the perimeter of our property.  Cursing loudly, I pulled her free of the wiring.

What happened next was terrifying.

Brownie turned on me, her eyes suddenly devoid of any intelligence.  She began to leap all over me in a fit of ecstatic joy, and I found myself lashing out with my legs and arms, trying whatever I could to get this mindless animal off of me.  Her nails were scratching my legs and arms.  One in particular almost drew blood along my foot.

"Stop it!  Stop it!"  Then I drew in a breath and roared, "GET DOWN!"

She ducked as if I had thrown something at her, a hurt expression replacing the mindless elation.  I jabbed a finger toward the house, "Go eat your damn food!"

Of course, she didn't obey.  But at least she didn't try and jump up on me anymore as she followed me back to the house.  Once she caught sight of her food she immediately began scarfing it down.

"Bon apetit, dumbass."

I stomped inside the house and cursed when I saw I was covered in fur and dirt.

I heard Nala scratching at the garage door, a signal that she was done.

Reminding myself not to take out my frustration on Nala, I let her out of the garage and crooned to her about what a good girl she was.

I showed her the angry red mark on my foot where Brownie had scratched me. "See that?  Brownie did that.  She's an idiot."  In retrospect, I shouldn't have done that.  As soon as I let Nala back outside she pounced on Brownie and they started into each other's throats, snarling.

"HEY!  Stop it!"

Nala obeyed immediately.  Brownie padded off.

Satisfied they wouldn't fight anymore, I retreated back into the house.

In the end, I got about 20 minutes of peaceful Kimmy Time.  The rest was spent messing with the Idiot. 

And to make things worse, Avatar was nearly over by the time I got back to the TV.  I had missed the awesome tree falling-crushing scene.

It was the sour cherry atop my moldy chocolate sundae.

Up until this point I had been hoping we would keep Brownie and make her a part of the family.  I love animals, you can ask anyone who knows me.  Now, as horrible as it sounds, I won't be sad to see her go.

And I don't think Nala will be, either.

Love Never Dies (But Should)

A while ago I posted a rant about the Phantom of the Opera film adaptation. In it, I mentioned the dreaded sequel, Andrew Lloyd Webber's Love Never Dies. I think it's about time I tackled this bad boy.

Buckle up, kids, this one's a doozey.

(What's up with the creepy mask with the lipstick? Is the Phantom a tranny now?)

I'm gonna walk through the whole story, spoilers abound!

First off, I would like to question the purpose of this sequel. It didn't need to happen. Who walks away from the first show thinking, "Oh I wonder what happens next?"

No one!

The Phantom disappears into thin air, leaving his fate for the audience to decide. Did he escape? Did the mob get him? We don't know. And we're happy not knowing. The mystery is a part of the story.

But apparently Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't agree. According to him and the show's producer Cameron Macintosh, numerous fans were complaining that the Phantom and Christine should have wound up together in the end.

I dunno who these so-called fans are, but they need to get their heads checked. Yes, it would be nice to see the Phantom have a win, but their relationship is less-than-unhealthy to begin with. Could you imagine what their married life would be like?

"Phantom, dear, the sink needs fixing."

".....You don't know my name, do you?"

"Well of course, it's 'Phantom'!"

"No it isn't! Who names their child 'Phantom'?"

"A mother who feared and loathed you?"

"...Touche."

Or maybe like this:

('Fop' is a common nickname for Raoul)

Andrew Lloyd Webber also argues that Love Never Dies isn't supposed to be a sequel, rather, it's supposed to stand apart from the first show. Riiiiight, Andrew. It just happens to feature all the same characters and takes place directly after the first show. That doesn't sound like a sequel at all.

Before I really tear into this, lemme just say that I've never actually seen the show. But I've heard the soundtrack, I know the story, and I've actually seen quite a lot of clips on YouTube. So I think the following is justified.

For a basic summary of the show, allow me to refer you to this picture:

If that isn't obvious enough, I'll expound upon why this story sucks so royally.

The whole concept of the Phantom messing with Raoul and Christine is remarkably out of character.  Remember at the end of the first show when the Phantom decided to let Christine go because he realized her happiness was more important than his? Apparently Webber has chosen to send this fact sailing out the nearest window.

Alright, on with the story.

The year is 1907, ten years after the conclusion of the first musical, supposedly. I say 'supposedly' because the first show took place in 1881. I dunno who did the math but....it must've been someone important because everyone was too afraid to correct him. *coughWebbercough*

Christine, Raoul and their 10-year-old son Gustave arrive in New York at Coney Island. Christine has been hired to perform an aria at the show Phantasma by someone known simply as Mr. Y (guess who?). Apparently she and Raoul are desperate for money because Raoul has squandered it all on alcohol and gambling. Yes, you read that right. Raoul has become an abusive drunk. And in addition to being a horrible husband, he seems to have no interest in his child.  (I wouldn't either though, Gustave is dang annoying.  Just look at that hat.)

 

The show Phantasma is a popular freak show/beach resort. It's owned by the Phantom, but Christine and Raoul (somehow) don't realize this. 

Okay, hold on.

Why the crap would the Phantom want anything to do with freak shows, let alone own one? It, like so many other things in this show, makes no sense.

It takes Christine a whole day to realize the Phantom is actually Mr. Y. (Mr. Y. Mystery. Get it?  If anything, they should have called him Mr. E. It actually sounds like 'mystery' and his name is Erik, anyhow.)

The Phantom comes to Christine after Raoul goes off drinking and Gustave is in bed. He makes an overly dramatic entrance through...get ready for it...the front door! Aided by dry ice and booming music, he sweeps into the room.

They stare panting at each other for a moment before Christine snaps out of it.

She basically says, "I should have known it was you. What the crap are you doing in my life again? Out!"

To which the Phantom replies, "Alright I'll go, but not before we talk about how we had sex that one time."

They then proceed to sing for 6 horrific minutes about a long passionate night they spent together on the eve of Christine and Raoul's wedding. Okay. Christine and the Phantom were uber-virgins at that point. There's no way they could've done anything that would've lasted longer than 10 minutes. And forget about passionate, how about awkward?

Gustave wakes from a nightmare, likely induced from hearing them sing for 6 minutes about sex, and he meets the Phantom.

Their meeting goes something like this:

Phantom: Hello, small child.

Gustave: Hey. You own this place?

Phantom: Yep.

Gustave: It's awesome.

Phantom: I know.

Christine shoos him off to bed and the Phantom informs her she must sing in his show or else he'll kidnap Gustave.  I have a hard time imagining the Phantom threatening a child. Yes, he's a nutjob, but he's by no means evil. Plus, something tells me he'd rather avoid children altogether.

Before I move on I should probably explain how the Phantom came to be at Coney Island. He escaped Paris with the aid of Madame Giry and Meg and traveled to New York. They stayed with him, and ultimately helped him purchase a freak show on Coney Island that he turned into Phantasma. In the process, Meg somehow degraded into a whore that her mother pimped out to bosses that pulled strings for Phantasma's success.

In addition, Meg also falls head-over-heels in love with the Phantom. So when Christine comes along, Meg becomes insanely jealous.

Yeah.

It's almost as if Webber sat down and asked himself, "What could I do to completely destroy the integrity all of these characters had in the first show?"

The majority of the characters become horrible people in this sequel. Christine is probably the only character who is constant from the first show, except a little less herpy-derpy. A little.

And I wouldn't say the Phantom has become a horrible person, rather, he's become much more passive and docile. Lame, right? One of the integral facets of his character is his madness. There are a few moments in the show when he gets pretty angry, but none where he drops a chandelier or strangles a stagehand. In fact, there aren't even moments where he mutters to himself or laughs hysterically. The Phantom is supposed to be a hellbeast. Not a pansy.

This is most apparent in the scenes where the Phantom is unmasked. And get this, folks...the Phantom takes it off himself. He literally walks around talking to people unmasked.

How is this not true to his character, you ask? Every time his mask came off in the first show he flipped a lid and tried to kill someone. It's like he had a 'crazy' button and removing the mask was pushing it.

Okay, back to the story.

The next day Gustave wanders off on his own and winds up in the Phantom's quasi-lair. While he's there, Gustave starts to play a piano. The Phantom flips, "My god, you can play a simple tune! You're 10 years old! You must be MINE!"

And despite the Phantom singing this rather loud fatherhood epiphany three feet away, Gustave remains oblivious to the fact that the Phantom is his father.

Yep. Gustave is the Phantom's son.

The Phantom of the Opera reproduced.

Lemme just give you a minute to let that sink in...

....

Anyway.

They proceed to sing a ridiculous yet catchy song about how awesome it is to love weird nightmarish things. The Phantom unmasks himself, thinking his son will accept him. No such luck. The kid freaks out.

Christine shows up and sends the traumatized Gustave away. The Phantom whirls on her, "WOMAN! Why didn't you tell me we procreated?!"

Instead of replying something like, "Um, you disappeared after we did it, idiot." Christine says her marriage made her secret forbidden so she just rolled with it.

Instead of getting angrier (which would've been true to his character), the Phantom melts into a hopeless puddle of goo, "A son. My son!" And tells Christine to take Gustave and leave. She doesn't have to sing, after all.

Christine refuses, arguing that the song he wrote for her is too beautiful to not be heard (though she probably was just desperate for $$$).  After Christine leaves, the Phantom sings about how he finally has something to live for, someone to carry on his legacy.

He leaves, and Madame Giry enters, having heard everything. She's furious because she believes she and Meg should be privy to the Phantom's affections and legacy, not some little brat that came out of the blue.

Remember the awe-inspiring pants-wetting conclusion to Act 1 of the first show wherein the chandelier plummets over your head? No such luck. Instead, we get Madame Giry tossing Gustave's jacket on the floor. Feel the drama.

On to Act 2!

Remember that awesome Act 2 opening from the first show? With the fireworks and 'Masquerade'? No!  Such!  Luck!

We open on Raoul in a local bar, totally wasted. He's been drinking all night. In the meantime, he had found out the Phantom was behind everything. Why he didn't pack up Christine and Gustave and leave immediately is beyond me. Oh wait, it's because everyone is immensely out of character, Raoul especially so.

Anywho. Meg shows up and tries to get Raoul to take his family back to Paris. (She wants the Phantom to herself, after all.) Raoul blows her off and declares that he's not afraid of the Phantom.

Just then, the bartender turns around. It's the Phantom. Desperate for comic relief, the audience usually laughs rather loudly at this point.

The Phantom and Raoul then sing an awesome duet called 'Devil Take the Hindmost'. In it, the Phantom plays off of Raoul's weakness for gambling and strikes a deal with him. If Christine doesn't sing, Raoul can take his family back to Paris, his debts wiped clean by the Phantom. If Christine sings, Raoul must leave alone. Because apparently if Christine sings the song it means she loves the Phantom more than Raoul.

Raoul, alcoholic douche that he is, accepts the deal and the Phantom officially becomes a home-wrecker.

And because Raoul has apparently lost all common sense, he fails to tell Christine about the bet.

To cut a long story short, Christine winds up singing (without knowing the consequences), Raoul takes off, and the Phantom goes, "C'mere, babe, you're mine!" To which Christine replies, "Hey, where's Gustave?"

He's been kidnapped by Meg, who is beyond desperate for the Phantom's attention.

The Phantom, who is suddenly a caring parent, gets even more hysterical than Christine, "My son! I'LL TEAR ANYONE WHO TOUCHES HIM LIMB FROM LIIIIMB! RAAAAAAA!" Making this the only moment wherein the Phantom gets almost as mad/crazy as he does in the first show.

They take off after Meg and find her at the docks with Gustave. She's planning on drowning him. The Phantom, Christine, and Madame Giry show up and manage to get Gustave away from Meg. Meg turns a gun on herself and makes everyone listen to her sob story. Somehow, the Phantom hadn't realized she was whoring herself to help his finances.

He sings her down, trying to get the gun away from her. He tells her he does care about her, and she's just about to hand over the gun when he screws it up with, and I quote, "Beauty sometimes goes unseen. We can't all be like Christine."

To which Meg replies by shooting Christine.

It takes Christine a grand total of 5 minutes to die, breaking Eponine's 3 minute 30 second record of longest death in musical theater history.

As Christine lays dying, she tells Gustave who his real father is (since Raoul is gone). The Phantom holds Christine in his arms and they sing about how they love each other and how the Phantom needs to take care of Gustave and blah blah blah.

Christine finally kicks the bucket, and the Phantom and Gustave look at each other. Gustave removes the Phantom's mask and touches his face, then embraces him. Aaaaand curtain!

So, as you can see, the story is crap. You wanna know the kicker? Webber started working on it in 1990. Twenty two years ago. Twenty two freaking years and this is all he could come up with.

Lloyd Webber based his heinous story off of Frederick Forsyth's equally-heinous The Phantom of Manhattan. The title alone should have prevented this monstrosity from ever getting published. But, alas, if Twilight could, I suppose Forsyth's work could get published too.

The cast is perhaps the only redeeming factor of this show. Ramin Karimloo and Sierra Boggess play the Phantom and Christine.

I won't waste my time gushing over them because I already have in previous posts. But lemme just say that despite the shoddiness of the material they did the best they could. Their performances, both vocal and acting-wise, were excellent.

The music itself was fairly decent. I have most of the soundtrack, and I'll usually skip the majority of the songs except for "Till I Hear You Sing" and "Devil Take the Hindmost". Lloyd Webber boasted that this was his greatest work yet, and while I admit it's not complete crap, it's certainly not his best.

In fact, the title song "Love Never Dies" is a recycled version of Webber's "Our Kind of Love". No joke. YouTube them both and see for yourself. In addition, "Till I Hear You Sing" is also partially ripped from Webber's "If Not For Me For Her". In fact, as I'm researching this I'm finding multiple melodies from Webber's previous works have been recycled in this show.

I'll admit, though, the Phantom's mask is the best I've seen so far in any production of the first show. In addition, his makeup is a huge improvement from the first show. Look how well the mask fits Ramin Karimloo and how natural his makeup looks here:

Versus here when he performed in the first show:

This is very typical Phantom makeup for the first show. It looks fine from the audience but I've always thought it looked a little clownish up close.  The makeup and mask in Love Never Dies is a huge improvement, in my (distinguished) opinion.

So despite a crap story and semi-decent music, the show somehow got a fantastic budget. I think they should have spent their resources on a prequel, or a sequel wherein the Phantom is the only character from the first show who carries over.

I'm not going to draw up how I think a sequel should have gone because, as I stated before, I don't believe one should exist.

A prequel though? Yes please. Contrary to popular belief, the Phantom did not grow up inside the Opera House. In fact, he didn't get there until he was middle-aged. The rest of his life was spent abroad, a period of which was spent serving the Shah of Persia.

There have been quite a few fan-novels written and published wherein the authors give their take on Erik's life, the best of which is Susan Kay's Phantom. 

It has some weak points, but overall is a very entertaining and informative read. Kay takes the reader through Erik's entire life, from birth to death. The events that occur at the Paris Opera House only take up the last portion of the book. The rest are the events that make Erik who he is, and what eventually drives him away from mankind into the underbelly of the Opera House. I think it would have made an excellent show. (Or an Oscar-worthy film. Hint hint, Hollywood.)

If I ever come across cheap tickets to see Love Never Dies, I'll probably go just out of morbid curiosity. Though I can easily imagine myself getting booted out of the audience for laughing.  It's bad fanfiction on a big budget, I won't be able to restrain myself.

The show's Australian production (of which several of the above pictures are from) has been released on DVD and Blu-ray if any of you are brave enough to sit through the entire monstrosity.  But if it helps, I've been told the characters are more true to their original incarnations and the story has been tweaked a little to be less horrendous.

Regardless, I think we can all agree that love never dies, but in this case, should.