Sunday, June 10, 2012

Of Boxers and Smurfs

I just had a harrowing albeit hilarious experience with a dog. I shared it with my family, and Brianne encouraged me to blog about it.  Before I continue, lemme just say that the story is probably a lot funnier when I tell it in person and it's your loss for not living with me.  I'm hilarious.

This past Thursday my sensible brother Jeffrey brought home a stray female Boxer.  Before you get visions of a muscle-necked female wearing gloves with a tumbleweed in her hair, let me assure you the aforementioned Boxer was indeed a canine.  She had followed him home from his daily run.

We've been trying to find her owner, but in the meantime she's been gracing our backyard along with Nala.  We have various names for her.  Jeffrey got creative and dubbed her 'Brownie'.  My mom and I have taken to calling her 'Ruby'.  Brianne calls her 'Baxter'.

My family was planning on spending Saturday evening in Victorville, so I declined their invitation in order to get some quality Kimmy Time, even if it would only be for 2 hours.  I love my family, and I love spending time with them, but life in Idaho and Utah made me accustomed to solitude and I've been aching for it ever since I graduated and moved home.

Instead, I got some quality Kimmy 'n Brownie Time.

I ordered a nacho dinner from Mexico Lindo here in Phelan and left to pick it up just a few minutes after my family had left for Victorville.  I got in Tom and started the engine then turned on the radio and thought to myself, "I'm so glad I bought this radio.  Thank you, me."

And that's when I saw a flash of brown in my rear view mirror.

Brownie had hopped the fence.

Hoping she would see I was leaving and stay in the yard, I put Tom into gear and took off.

She started chasing me.

"Damn it!"  I yelled.

I swerved back into the yard and parked Tom.

"C'mon, Brownie!  Back into the yard, c'mon!"  I tried to coerce her into rejoining Nala through the gate in our fence.  She wouldn't come.  It took forever to get her through, and when I finally did, I shut the gate behind me and told her, "Stay put, I'll be right back."

I got back into Tom and had just started to take off when I saw the freaking brown blur in my rear view mirror again.

"Damn it!"  I yelled.

 I got out of Tom again, this time with the idea of putting her in the garage.

"C'mon, Ruby, let's go in the house now.  That's what you want, right?  C'mon, let's go."

She followed me without hesitation all the way into the house and up to the garage door.  Then she wouldn't budge.

"C'mon, Ruby!  Let's go, Brownie, I don't have all day, c'mon!"

She would sniff at the garage door opening then turn and explore the laundry room a bit, before returning to the door and faking me out by taking a step in then turning and sniffing at the nearby food shelf.

"Ugh!  C'mon, Brownie it's just the garage!"

I knew she didn't want to come in because that's exactly what I wanted her to do.  And that just pissed me off even more.

Before I continue, let me assure you it's pointless trying to pull her anywhere by the collar.  It's way too big for her and she struggles if you manage to get your hand around it.

It took forever to get her in the stupid garage.  In the end, I had to get some cheese from the fridge to bait her in.

"Want some cheese?  Here's some cheese, you mindless beast, you!  Go get the cheese!"  I tossed it in the garage and the idiot followed.

"Hahaaa!"  I crowed, slamming the door behind her.  "Dumbass!"

Fifteen minutes late, I left for Mexico Lindo to get my dinner.  Upon my triumphant return, I immediately let Brownie out of the garage.

"See what happens when you hop the fence, dork?  C'mon, outside now."

She wouldn't go outside.

I opened the backdoor wide and stood outside with Nala, coaxing Brownie, "C'mon, girl!  Come outside with us!  C'mon!"


She completely ignored me and proceeded to wander about the house.

Glad I had left the cheese out of the fridge, I cut two slices and dangled one in front of her until the idiot followed it outside.  I tossed Nala the other slice then quickly shut the door.

Nala and I.  We were both a lot skinnier then.

I turned to my dinner eagerly and turned on the TV.  Avatar was on.  "Ah, I love this movie."  As I dug into my disappointing nachos I noticed the neighbor's dogs were going nuts yipping and yapping.  I looked out the kitchen window and saw Nala and Brownie were driving them crazy by running along the back fence.  Whatever.  I turned back to my nachos and finished them just before the part where the huge tree falls and crushes all the smurfs.  My favorite part.

The movie went to commercial break and I decided to feed the dogs before the best part came on.  I called in Nala and she obediently padded into the garage without complaint and started eating.  Bless her.  I took up Brownie's bowl and went outside.

No Brownie.

"Brownie!  Here, girl!  Ruby!  Whatever your name is!"

I called, I beckoned, I whistled.  Nothing.

The stupid dog had hopped the fence again.  But this time I had no idea where she was.

I wandered through the back yard and used the Force until I was lead to the rear of the yard.  Sure enough, Brownie trotted into view with a casual look that said, "Oh hey, how's it goin'?"

The idiot was on the other side of the fence.  Thankfully, the little yippy yappy dogs were safe on the other side of a second higher fence. 

"Get back over here, c'mon!"  I waved my arms to encourage her to jump.  She had hopped it, so she could jump back over again, right?


The idiot could only get her two front paws up on the fence and gaze at me pathetically.

"Just jump, you dork!  I know you can do it!"

She would give a half-assed effort and make it about six inches off the ground, all the time whimpering like an abandoned baby seal.

I started walking back toward the house, thinking maybe if I acted like I was ditching her she would work up the effort to actually jump.


She gave a few more half-assed efforts before fixing me with a huge doe-eyed gaze that plead, "Don't leave meeeee!"

Heaving a sigh, I went back over to the fence.  I couldn't haul her up, that was out of the question.  I couldn't get over the fence to lift her over, because that would be trespassing.

So I called upon the Bruce Banner within me and pushed down the metal fence enough for Brownie to clamor over it, only to get entangled in the wiring that used to be our electric fence that still ran along the perimeter of our property.  Cursing loudly, I pulled her free of the wiring.

What happened next was terrifying.

Brownie turned on me, her eyes suddenly devoid of any intelligence.  She began to leap all over me in a fit of ecstatic joy, and I found myself lashing out with my legs and arms, trying whatever I could to get this mindless animal off of me.  Her nails were scratching my legs and arms.  One in particular almost drew blood along my foot.

"Stop it!  Stop it!"  Then I drew in a breath and roared, "GET DOWN!"

She ducked as if I had thrown something at her, a hurt expression replacing the mindless elation.  I jabbed a finger toward the house, "Go eat your damn food!"

Of course, she didn't obey.  But at least she didn't try and jump up on me anymore as she followed me back to the house.  Once she caught sight of her food she immediately began scarfing it down.

"Bon apetit, dumbass."

I stomped inside the house and cursed when I saw I was covered in fur and dirt.

I heard Nala scratching at the garage door, a signal that she was done.

Reminding myself not to take out my frustration on Nala, I let her out of the garage and crooned to her about what a good girl she was.

I showed her the angry red mark on my foot where Brownie had scratched me. "See that?  Brownie did that.  She's an idiot."  In retrospect, I shouldn't have done that.  As soon as I let Nala back outside she pounced on Brownie and they started into each other's throats, snarling.

"HEY!  Stop it!"

Nala obeyed immediately.  Brownie padded off.

Satisfied they wouldn't fight anymore, I retreated back into the house.

In the end, I got about 20 minutes of peaceful Kimmy Time.  The rest was spent messing with the Idiot. 

And to make things worse, Avatar was nearly over by the time I got back to the TV.  I had missed the awesome tree falling-crushing scene.

It was the sour cherry atop my moldy chocolate sundae.

Up until this point I had been hoping we would keep Brownie and make her a part of the family.  I love animals, you can ask anyone who knows me.  Now, as horrible as it sounds, I won't be sad to see her go.

And I don't think Nala will be, either.


  1. I love the retelling of this story. You almost had me peeing in my pants when you told me. Although I almost pee in my pants every time I sneeze now too.

  2. Hahahahaha...oh I'm laughing at your expense, but it's awesome, Kimmy :)