Physics of the Caribbean

Brooke and I like to tear movies apart. Last night, our latest victim became Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

This movie is one of my favorites of all time. Of. All. Time. But, like all movies, it possesses some flaws so blatantly obvious that Brooke and I couldn't help but have a laugh.

Most of these flaws involved physics.

While I realize the entire concept of the movie is in no way possible, it bothers me that the majority of the characters seem to allude the laws of gravity.

I'll list them chronologically, shall I?

First up, we have Elizabeth's fort fall.

I'm not good at judging distances, but I think it's safe to say she fell a good hundred feet or so. Aside from the fact that she miraculously missed the jagged rocks, she should have broken at least a few bones when she hit the water. It ain't soft, kids. Especially when you're hurtling towards it from a great height. There's a reason you gulp when you look up at the high dive at a pool.

Next, we have Will and Jack's sword fight in the blacksmith shop. Most of it looked pretty legit, I'll give them that. But the whole see-saw effect they played on the cart is just laughable.

Johnny Depp is not a big guy (of this I can attest to), so there's no reason for Will to be launched 15 feet in the air when Jack falls on the opposite end of the teetering cart. Nor is there any reason for Jack to be likewise launched when Will sends a bunch of crates crashing down opposite Jack.

Aaaaand enter Barbossa & Co!

Being undead pirates, these guys present a plethora of logic-defying situations. I'll ignore most of them in lieu of the fact that they're so cool. But I have to at least mention the gravity-defying cannonball that somehow makes it all the way from the bay half way up the mountain to the Swan mansion to crash through the walls and slam into an unfortunate pirate.

Like I said, I'm not good at judging distances but I think it's safe to say the little-cannonball-who-could shouldn't have made it past the main town.

Also, how on earth does the Black Pearl move? Have you seen its sails?

I suppose you could argue that it's driven by the curse, but honestly, why did Barbossa never glance upward and think, "Yarr, I should probably fix that."

Next is the Will 'n Jack rowboat submarine.

I'll admit when I first saw this I thought it was the coolest trick ever. It wasn't until Mythbusters got a hold of it that I realized how impossible it really was. Have you ever tried holding a beach ball underwater? Same concept. Jack and Will would have had to have their feet chained to the ocean floor and the boat likewise secured to their hands in order for them to keep it submerged. Otherwise, that pocket of air would have sent them rocketing to the surface.

Next is Elizabeth's frantic run around the moonlit deck of the Black Pearl (which is still moving, somehow).

I know Keira Knightley weighs next to nothing, but I think it would take a whole lot more than a couple guys and a sheet to launch her 20 feet in the air. Twice. And let us not forget the pirate who just happens to be swinging by (as pirates are wont to do) and snatches her out of the air to land safely beside the helm, somehow brushing aside the acceleration their combined weight would have created as they swung through the air.

Next up Will's impossible swim from the Interceptor to the Black Pearl.

I'm not saying it's impossible he could swim that far. I am, however, saying it's impossible to swim a football field's length in under 30 seconds whilst holding one's breath the entire time. Some of you may argue that Will might've popped up for some air along the way. I say nay nay! Barbossa was watching the entire time. If Will had surfaced he would've seen him.

The next few involve Barbossa and Co.

Barbossa somehow manages to yank Jack's sword from his own gut and jam it into Jack's in one swift motion as though they were both made from butter.

I know he's a badass, but Barbossa would need some seriously long and strong arms to accomplish that.

Next is the cursed crew's underwater march.

I don't think I even have to explain why this one made the list. Lemme just say this: next time you're in a pool, release all the air from your lungs and try and take a stroll across the bottom. Aside from the fact that your lungs will be burning, you'll find it next to impossible to take a stroll through H2O. Let alone march.

The conclusion of the film only has a few points I'd like to make. Aside from the fact that Elizabeth suddenly has cleavage, Will is somehow a professional acrobat. He makes some very impressive tuck-n'-dives-n'-rolls which he expressed no ability for previously.

And last but not least, we have Jack's fort fall.

He falls head-first, folks. He makes some pretty spectacular dives in the rest of the movie, but this one should have been his last.

But you know what? None of this crap matters. I adore this movie.